September 4 2012

“I Want a Girl Who Fears Yahweh” – song


This is my version of Proverbs 31:10-31, to the tune of “Short Skirt, Long Jacket” by Cake.

For those that don’t know the passage, the woman described is actually a personification of Wisdom. It is not meant to be (thank God) a check-list for godly women!

This comes right at the end of King Solomon’s collection of wise sayings, known as the Book of Proverbs. Wisdom is always portrayed as a woman and he ends his book by summing up all the things he has said about how to live a wise life – working hard, being prudent etc. His climax is the final line that says that although beauty doesn’t last, the ultimate defining characteristic of wisdom is the fear of Yahweh (“Yahweh” is the name for God). This echoes what he says near the beginning of the book in Proverbs 9:10, “the fear of Yahweh is the beginning of wisdom”.

The “fear of Yahweh” is an odd concept in today’s culture where we value conquering our fears and see those who instill fear in others as cruel or just a bully.

Some people try to soften the idea down to say that “fear” really just means “respect” or “awe” and although this is true, the word also means, “be afraid of” pure and simple.

I equate it to the sun. The sun is glorious and life-giving. But you don’t go hugging the sun. You shouldn’t even stare at the sun, it is too brilliant. True we should give the sun respect and awe, but at the same time it is foolishness to forget the consequences of treating the sun with disrespect or apathy. In this regard, we fear the sun. When we are where we should be and we relate to the sun as it truly is – a giant ball of burning fire hotter than anything you can imagine – then we can enjoy it’s warmth and light.

God is a bit like that, although I know the analogy has LOTS of holes.

Anyway, that’s off the topic. Here’s my song.

Download the MP3 here 

and read the words below.


I want a girl of noble character.
Oh who can find a wife like that?
She has a worth that shines like rubies.
Her husband’s confident and doesn’t lack.

 I want a girl who brings forth good.
Good not harm all the days of her life.
She selects wool and flax. She’s working with her hands.
She brings food like the merchant ships – that’s my kinda wife.

I want a girl not who’s hot
But who feeeeears… Yahweh!

I want a girl who gets up early.
I want a girl who provides food for all.
She’s considering a field. She’s buying her own vineyard.
She works really hard and her arms are strong.

 She sees that her trading makes profit.
Her lamp doesn’t go out at night.
In her hand she holds the distaff
and her fingers grasps the spindle tight.

I want a girl not who’s hot
But who feeeeears… Yahweh!

Her arms are open to the poor and needy.
And when it snows, she isn’t scared.
For all her family are clothed in scarlet.
And see the fine, purple linen that she wears.

Her husband honoured at the city gate,
He takes his seat among the elders of the land.
She’s making linen garments. She’s going out to sell them.
She supplies the sashes to the merchant man.

I want a girl not who’s hot
But who feeeeears… Yahweh!

She is clothed with strength and dignity.
She can laugh at the days to come.
She speaks always with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

 She runs her household and isn’t lazy
Her children rise and call her blessed;
Her husband gives her praises saying,
“Many women are noble, but your the best.”

I want a girl not who’s hot
But who feeeeears… Yahweh!

Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Give her the reward she has earned, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.



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June 2 2012

Some of my Magic Tricks

I love magic.

I have ever since I learnt how to make a coin disappear on a camp when I was 12 years old.

Here are some of the magic tricks I have recorded.

The first is my most recent magic performance, and the first time I have ever tried a magic trick with such a big crowd. Maybe this is why it doesn’t exactly go to plan!



If you’d like to request more, please ask!


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Category: Funny, Life | LEAVE A COMMENT
May 28 2012

The Day the Zombies Invade

This is a song I wrote on the 18th of March 2012
and performed for Bundy Unplugged on the 27th May, 2012.

Bundy Unplugged is a fundraising variety night that my church puts on every year.

Vocals: Simon Camilleri
Bass: Aaron Liew
Drums: William Veith
Guitar: Lachlan Kingsford

Download a pdf of Chords and Lyrics here!

(perform your own version of the song and post it on YouTube and I’ll include it on this blog!)


Verse 1

He turns on the Playstation.
She always shakes her head.
What is this fascination
he has got with killing the undead?

While other guys are workin
to pay the rent and bills
He’s workin really hard
to polish up his zombie killin skills



The day when the zombies invade
You’ll go runnin to those boys playin games
Cos when that day comes they’re the only ones
Who can fight off a horde who wants to eat your brains
So please don’t complain
And don’t show disdain…
I know it’s 2am honey, but I have to train
For the day those zombies invade

Verse 2

D’you even know what weapon
you need in close combat?
You’ve grabbed a sniper rifle.
What are you gunna do with that??

A true survivor chooses
the combo shotgun axe!
And you say it is useless
that he knows all these kinda facts, but



The day when the zombies invade
You’ll go runnin to those boys playin games
Cos when that day comes they’re the only ones
Who can fight off a horde who wants to eat your brains
So please don’t complain
And don’t show disdain…
I know it’s 2am honey, but I have to train
For the day those zombies invade



My mummy… She taught me
It’s better safe than sorry
The scouts they… made us say
Always to be prepared

Don’t fancy… your chancy
If you met necromancy
Why you rollin your eyes? Aren’t you scared??

Verse 3

He is now 37.
He’s moved back with his mum.
He’s bunkered in the basement.
Never knowin when they will come

He now plays on four consoles.
Gaming throughout the night
We laugh but who’ll be laughin,
when we actually find he was right!



The day when the zombies invade
We’ll all go runnin to those boys playin games
Cos when that day comes they’re the only ones
Who can fight off a horde who wants to eat your brains
So please don’t complain
And don’t show disdain…
I know it’s 2am mummy, but I have to train
For the day those zombies…
Those flesh-eatin zombies…
The day the zombies invade 

The Zombie Bite Calculator


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Category: Funny, Music | LEAVE A COMMENT
November 18 2011

Corn is the magic vegetable.

I love corn.

You can have corn for every single meal.

You can have cornflakes for breakfast, or if you want a hot brekkie, you can have corn fritters.

For lunch you can have cold corn in a salad, corn cakes (like rice cakes) or some warm corn bread.

For dinner, the options are endless, with cream of corn soup, cornflake encrusted chicken, frozen corn chucked into your pasta sauce, or just good ol’ corn on the cob.

And then after dinner, you can enjoy corn chips with salsa, candied corn or some delicious popcorn.

Corn can be dried, steamed, baked, roasted, barbecued, boiled, pureed, ground, sweetened, popped or flattened. It can be added to anything, savoury or sweet and it can be eaten in any way, hot or cold.

I love corn.

I love to put a corn holder in each end of a freshly steamed cob and bite into its juicy sweet flesh enjoying every last kernel, maybe with a small blob of butter melting into it.

It’s the only vegetable I can think of that you can hold like that. It gives you the same satisfaction you get from chomping into a chicken leg or some barbecued ribs.

It may even save the world with the ability to use the ethanol they can get from it as an alternative to fossil fuel. On  the Fuel Corn website they describe it as “Nature’s Pure, Perfect Fuel”. This is the wrap they give corn…

Corn may be nature’s only perfect fuel.  It produces oxygen as it grows and needs no special processing or pelletizing before use.  It is nature’s perfect pellet fuel.   A near pure food and pure fuel, corn burns virtually smoke free, odor free, ash free, and pollutant free.  It produces no dangerous creosote in your vent pipes, no waste product, and it requires no chimney.

Burn corn and you emit no more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than if it were left in the field to decay or fed to animals.  Using a corn stove or furnace will produce the very same three things that you produce every day as you breathe out: carbon dioxide, moisture, and HEAT!  (Lots of heat in this case!)  If everyone would burn corn rather than wood, the blue-gray haze of wood smoke over our neighborhoods every winter morning would be gone! I have heard that the best pellet stove sytems are built specifically to reduce their emissions, if you have the dollars to spend on a green version of wood burning, please do! Other great advantages of corn are that it is inexpensive and plentiful.

and so it goes on.

Anyway, that’s my quick blog on how I love corn.

If you would like to learn more about corn (as I’m sure you do!), go to the Wikipedea article and you will only be more convinced that corn is the magic vegetable.

Or if you want recipes on corn, here is a website of 87 of the best corn recipes.

Or if you want to find out about how they put corn in everything from toothpaste to crayons, click here to go to the official corn website.

I love corn.


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September 16 2011



a poem by Simon Camilleri

I want to blog.
My mind is clogged
With thoughts and essays pending.
An epic thesis.
Creative pieces.
The list is never ending.

I want to blog.
My brain’s a fog.
I hope one day I’ll find
Sufficient time
To post online
The library in my mind.


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February 24 2010

The Single Bed – A Poem

The Single Bed

a poem by Simon Camilleri  24/11/09

I only need a single bed.
Why would I buy a double?
Having such room for someone else
Would only lead to trouble.

I know some people like the space.
They like to sprawl and stretch,
But then you’d need a King-sized bed
When finally you get hitched!

And so, since now I sleep alone,
I’ll go to bed and dream.
Sleeping soundly in my single,
Looking forward to my Queen.


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February 24 2010

Blenders & The Paradox of Pain – A Poem


a poem by Simon Camilleri  29/9/09

I put my hand into a blender and pressed the button “HIGH”
and in a flash my hand was gone and, shocked, I wondered why?

Why God? Why now? Why not THAT guy? Why’d this happen to me?
Why didn’t you just stop the blades? Or stop my hands, at least?

Aren’t I your child? Were you asleep? I thought you had my back!
I thought when I teamed up with you I’d live life free from lack.

And now I lack a whole right hand! How can you call this love??
I shook my fist (now just a wrist) at the heavens above.

I wondered how, in such a world, could God really be there?
If he exists, he’s either weak or worse, he doesn’t care!

This suffering seemed so pointless that I slowly filled with doubt.
So I thought I’d take a break from church until I’d worked it out.

So I ditched my Christian friends who all just didn’t understand.
It’s easy to say “God is good” when you have both your hands.

Yes, the complex paradox of pain would take deeper contemplation,
and what better way to think it through than in complete isolation.

See, I had lost my hand, I had lost my faith, I had lost my church and friends,
but I still had no idea just how my life had reached this end.

And as I pondered this I sat down on some railway tracks.
I began to juggle hand grenades and chainsaws to relax.

I wondered how could bad things happen to good folk like me,
as I smeared my face with honey and threw rocks at swarms of bees.

“It’s a mystery”, I finally said, “The great paradox of pain!”
and I shrugged as my left hand reached for the blender once again…


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February 21 2010

Stupid Deals

I have noticed a few stupid deals being offered of late.

The main two are by Budget Direct car insurance and Flight Centre.

Budget Direct is offering a deal where you receive $50 if they can not beat your present car insurance fees (as long as you are with RACV, AAMI or GIO). As the terms and conditions on their website states, “If Budget Direct cannot beat the renewal price as verified by the renewal documentation provided, you will be sent a cheque for $50.”

So how does this work? Does anyone ever get the money? When is it more financially sensible for them to go, “Gee, I don’t think we can on this occasion lower our fees to price match our competitor and consequently gain a customer that will give us thousands and thousands of dollars over many years. Bob! Write another cheque for fifty bucks!”

Flight Centre’s latest deal is even more ridiculous.

Picture this… Flight Centre has one price for a flight and you tell them of a cheaper flight that is being offered by another Australian airline. You have to show them written evidence of the cheaper flight and the consultant has to check and verify that is it actually a valid flight. Once all these criteria have been met, the consultant has a choice – either they beat the offer by $1, or they give you the flight for free!

That’s right! It either costs them charging you $1 less than their competitor or it costs them charging you $0. On what planet does anyone ever get a free flight out of Flight Centre?

Sure, you may say that the whole “fly for free” thing is just meant to be seen as not the point and that they’re really just saying, “we will always beat our competitors”. But as the above picture shows, they really push the FLY FREE as a genuine deal that could be taken by any customer.  On their website, there’s even a tab that simply states “Fly Free”.

Both of these deals are just ways of suckering you in to going with their business as they offer you something that it’s never in their interests to follow through with. They might as well say, “If we can’t beat our competitor, we’ll give you the entire store and pay all your bills for twenty years!” That would impress a lot of people, and maybe even get some suckers to walk through the door, but anyone with half a brain would see through the stupidity of the offer. But make it not a spectacular, like a free flight or a $50 cheque and people are blind to way they are being suckered in.

It’s like a deal that was being offered at a pub/bistro near my work. The Doutta Galla Hotel in Flemingtonhad a sign on every table stating that if, when you ordered your meal, they didn’t offer you garlic bread, you got the meal for free. They weren’t offering you garlic bread for free. They were asking you if you wanted to purchase garlic bread… At $4.90 a pop, mind you!

So basically they were trying to upsell you. Hoping that you will buy some garlic bread that you didn’t originally want or ask for. And if they didn’t annoy you with this suggestion to buy something extra, you get the meal for free! I would think that not being pestered to buy something I didn’t want was reward enough! But no, they want to pay for my entire meal!

This was clearly just set up, not to better serve their customers, but as an incentive for the staff to get into the habit of upselling. If some poor staff member did happen to forget to suggest garlic bread and the customer got their meal for free, I’m sure you can imagine who would have to pay for the meal in the end.

While the deal was on I always wondered what would happen if I went up to the counter and said, “I’d like the Chicken Parma and THAT’S ALL! NOTHING MORE!” What would they have done? Would they lean on the side of good customer service and not suggest I buy something I clearly didn’t want to buy? Or would they so avoid having to give me the meal for free, that they would still ask me?

What about if I had said, “I’d like to order 6 serves of garlic bread… No, seven. Yes, seven. That will be completely satisfying. I won’t need any more garlic bread after that!” Or what would they have replied if I said, “I’d like to order the Greek salad but make sure there’s no garlic in the dressing. See, I’m allergic to garlic and will die if I even smell it. And make sure there’s no croutons either. I can’t have any bread products or else I break out in a pus-filled sores over my entire body.”

I’m curious as to what they would say.

Would they begin to twitch and start saying “Error! Error!” as steam came out of their robotic ears?

Would they whisper to me saying, “Look, I know you’ll say no, but my boss’ll kill me if I don’t offer you some garlic bread.”

Or would they just stare at me like a cow standing in the middle of a country road, and ask, “Would you like garlic bread with that?”



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