One I recently got published can be read HERE.
My original submission was a bit longer and included some general social commentary, which didn’t make it into the snappier Damascus Dropbear version.
I include the full version for your humourous reading pleasure below…
New Christian “godly sexual consent” app
Sydney, NSW – NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller has recently proposed the introduction of a “sexual consent” app to address the prevalence of sexual assault in Australia.
Many have praised the idea as a clever modern solution for our technological age, though the app is not without its critics. Some skeptics have pointed out that when two hormonal and possibly intoxicated lovebirds are stumbling off to the bedroom, the last thing on their mind would be finding their mobile, downloading an app and filling in an online consent form. Apart from the potential mood killer, not everyone’s house has great wifi.
Feminist groups have also raised concerns about whether this app treats “consent” too simplistically. Ms Rees Blake from Back Off Australia told Damascus Dropbear, “Consent is not a matter of simply pressing a button on a phone once. It’s an ongoing conversation. Someone may give consent at the beginning of the night or to one particular sexual act, but then withdraw that consent at a later stage.”
Dave Munro, a local scumbag and avid Tinder user, disagreed with their criticisms, stating, “I’ve always felt that I deserve some action if I buy a girl a drink. But now with this app, I can get her to sign on the dotted line after a few shots and she’ll feel obliged to follow through.”
When our female reporter explained to Mr Munro that the intention of the app was to actually reduce sexual assault he replied, “How interesting. Maybe we could catch up later and talk about it over a drink?”
In a press conference earlier today, Police Commissioner Mick Fuller welcomed both the enthusiasm for the app and the constructive criticism. He announced are hard at work on an update that will make several new exciting features available.
These will include:
- A checklist of 400 sexual acts that you will have to tick “yes”, “no” or “ew gross” to before preceding.
- After being asked “Do you consent?” it will then ask “Are you sure?”, followed by “Are you just doing this because you are trying to impress the other person or maybe to fulfill an emptiness in your soul that you think sex will satisfy?”, followed by “Are you reeeeally sure?”.
- A high piercing alarm every 3 minutes that can only be stopped by watching an annoying video advertisement for Homescapes, after which you are forced to fill out the entire form again to ensure that consent is present at all times.
To coincide with the release of this app, Christian ap developer MoBibleTech has also announced that they are working on their own “godly sexual consent” app specifically catering for a Christian audience.
Damascus Dropbear had the opportunity to meet with MoBibleTech founder, Simon Eckles, to go through some of the app’s unique Christian features.
As with the government app, the opening question is “Do you consent?”, but it immediately follows with “And are you married to this person?”, with a dropdown feature explaining the biblical definition of marriage as the union of one man and one woman.
If you answer yes, the app continues with a series of 40 helpful questions for Christian married couples, ranging from “Are you engaging in this one flesh union as a loving act of service?” to “Do you have any unresolved conflict that you need to pray about together first?” They even have a question specifically for husbands, asking “Have you done the dishes?”
Also, if you add your denomination to the settings it will ask personalised questions like “Do you intend to only have sex for the sake of procreation?” for Catholics and “Have you sought the Holy Spirit’s guidance before preceding?” for Pentecostals.
Speaking of guidance, the “godly sexual consent” app also has a handy adults-only visual guide to spice things up in the bedroom, providing an exhaustive list of three approved sexual positions.
We asked what happens if the couple answers “no” to the “married” question. Mr Eckles explained that this unlocked a special random feature that was different for each user. For some, their mobile device bursts into an all-consuming fireball. For others, the ground beneath them opens up and swallows everyone in a five metre radius.
They are also working on a third possibility involving your pastor receiving a fornication alert with your precise GPS location, though the general feedback from beta users was apparently a preference for being burned alive or having the ground swallow them whole.
We asked Mr Eckles whether he thought introducing this sort of technology into the bedroom would be a romantic mood killer.
“We had anticipated that,” he replied. “Fortunately, the form should only take three hours to complete and once submitted, we’ve added a special feature to set the mood again. The app will start playing a complete audio recording of Song of Solomon read by David Suchet – or as we like to call him, the Christian Barry White.”
The app will be released later this month and the team at MoBibleTech are confident that its uniquely Christian features will ensure couples can honour their one flesh union in a way that is sensual, consensual and godly.